Am I the only one that wonders what would happen if I were to die? A car accident too severe to survive, a plane crash, a stray meteorite - whatever the means, I imagine the aftermath. How would my loved ones react and how would it effect my circle of friends and acquaintances? I know it’s morbid – and vain - to have these thoughts, but they’re there in my head all the same and have been for as long as I can remember. They’ve changed recently, however, and it’s all because of the baby. Back in the spring, I was hiking with two friends, both fathers, and we stopped to rest at an overlook. We stood on the edge of a tall cliff, woods and a wide stream stretched out below us, and I told them the news I’d been holding in since we started - that Linda was pregnant. After the congratulations and the hugs, we talked for a bit about kids and dads (With six kids between them, they have a fair amount of experience), and then, as we moved to continue on our hike, one of them put out a hand and warned me not to get too close to the cliff’s edge; that now would not be the time for something to happen to me. The other said that before becoming a father, he never thought too much about taking risks, but once he did, the prospect of death became a lot more real – and a lot scarier. The thought of missing any of his children’s experiences was just too unthinkable, and it’s startling how right he was. With each new kick I feel emanating from inside my wife, with each new piece of hand-me-down baby gear that comes into our house, my imaginings of what would happen if I were gone grow more and more anxious. I want to be here. I need to be here. For everything. So, from now on, my adventures will be a little more subdued, but I don’t think they’ll be any less exciting. There's so much to see...
71 days until baby.
Bill, I remember Mark telling me that he began driving more slowly once he found out I was pregnant with Hope. It is strange to be needed in a whole new way now, a gift. Sometimes, even now, I think what would happen if I were to die. I hope to believe that by now, my children would have learned where their mother stood in this beautiful world. Even more, I hope to be alive! And oh, what a treasure this blog will be for you, your wife, your baby, and all that come after you. A.
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