I never wanted to be a dad. Maybe I was too selfish or too scared. Most of it proably stems from my habit of taking a really long time to make a decision. It took me six years to work up the smarts to ask my wife to marry me, and it took us thirteen years to get pregnant. And we didn't decide to get pregnant. It surprised us both, but we'd had a few possible pregnancies in the months leading up to the real one and I remember feeling surprised at how calm I was at the prospect. Why wasn't I freaking out? I was even more surprised at the twinge of disappointment when the pregnancy test came out negative. So why the change? I like to think that I'm older and more prepared to deal with fatherhood or that I have traveled and experienced the freewheeling couple's life and I'm therefore ready, but I don't think that's it. Those ideas don't ring quite true in my head. They sound like a put-on. So, I have no idea what or who is to blame for my new absence of apprehension, but now I know that it's possible to feel scared and ready at the same time.
95 days until baby.
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